Sneak preview of my Newest novel in progress Read and pls give me comment?
SURAT untuk SUAMI
Zara Zettira ZR
Sebuah Novel
CHAPTER 1
Dishonesty and lies
My dearest beloved husband,
I know you told me you love to read, although I never really see you often reading a book (and more often found out you are browsing online for new female chat or dating encounter), I still feel the need to write to you. About the feelings I had, have and will always have for you and towards our relationship. Some things you may already know and some you might be surprised that I know. Life is a mistery, and surprises good or bad will always come in our path. With this thought, I write this super long letter to you. Also with the same thought I am taking a 50-50 gambling in staying as your wife. The thought of love. True love. Although, honestly, I start to loose faith in true love, I am still willing to hope. After all, what is life without a hope?
You know, there is a song saying : when one door closes another one will be open. That is how I feel when we first met. I just closed my door, my past, and totally ready to open a new door. And you told me the same thing, I believe you then. But in time, I find out bites and pieces of you and starting to put the puzzles together. Don’t get me wrong. I am not spying on you. Its just instinct. On top of that, its probably how the universe works. What goes around comes around. Everything seems to just fell on my lap and reach me instead of me looking for them.
To err is human. But to keep making same mistakes again and again its stupidity. I don’t know about you, because you seems to keep repeating your life pattern (especially in love and relationship) again and again. You didn’t seems to learn anything nor that trying to fix (your self). You choose the easiest way out, that is to run away. Closed the bad full of mistakes chapters and move on with the new ones. After all you knew you can get anybody and everybody would be interested in you. You knew for the fact that there are lots of others who are stupid enough to be dragged into your game. There will be no lack of supplies to be found as your next victim. And you can just keep doing what you like to do, with no responsibility or sense of guilt.
To me, it’s totally opposite. I see my bad luck (in love and relationship) as a way to learn. Regardless my fault or my partner’s fault, it is still my fault. Because I let it happened. I can blame my partner all my life, run away hoping I will find a new partner that will fit me and my needs. I can hide behind my self defense that it was all not my fault but I just happened to meet someone that is not for me. But for how long? And what will I get trough it all? For me, happiness is within myself. I should know myself first before I can understand others and decide weather we are fit for each other or not. I never run away from my problems. I stay and stick with it until I realized the core problem and possibility of fixing it. I never run away, I leave proudly and peacefully. With more understanding of who I am and what I’m looking for. With clearer step as to where I move on.
I also have to say that you are a true opportunist while I’m totally not. Perhaps that is the different that separate us or maybe that’s why we attracted to each other since opposites attract, right? Who knows. All I know for the fact is that you will never stop looking for opportunity. In this case, what I mean is opportunity for love adventure. Even though you had commit yourself with one (which is me) . made a vow in front of officials (and supposedly God too…) but for you all of those above are just things. I has no meanings what so ever. It was just things people have to do when they got married. And I often question myself , why you decided to be married anyway if you took it all so lightly?
I remember we had this conversation before. The day I found out that in fact you had lived together with a single mom for more than 5 years. I know it was your past and it has nothing to do with our present relationship. I also believe that people may change and for that they deserve a second chance. And that is why I am still here with you. My only worries is why you didn’t think it is important for me to know. Maybe you didn’t think that 5 years living together relationship is special or important to your self? Or perhaps you didn’t want me to know because you were afraid I will judge you?
If you look back, it is kind of funny the way I found out about your living together story. The single mom you once love (and choose to live together) today is the mother of one of talents that work in my project. I know the story trough her daughter, my actress. She was a little girl when you and her mom live together. Yet she had a very vivid memory about how your relationship with her mother was. Isn’t it amazing how one little girl’s brain can capture one moment in life? As soon as she saw me and you together, she came to me and talk to me. Maybe it is my nature to make everybody feel comfortable talking with me. Or maybe that’s what I learn from my degree in Pshycology? It doesn’t matter. I am all ears. I like to listen, absorb and learn. There is a lesson in every stories. And from her story I learn more about you… Your past – which is partly what you are today.
As for me, my life to you is like an open book. I would try my best to tell you everything about my past. Even sometime I saw you are not interested in listening to it, I did it anyway. I feel that you have all the right to know who I really am. Because as human, we sometimes didn’t know who our own self is! Most of the times we learn to get to know our self better by listening to what others say about us. By learning from reactions we got from our actions. Just like a child learning to recognize her parents. That the only people they can call Mommy and daddy is those who always be with her all the time. I want you to know me and maybe give me some advise. Make me understand myself better. And more important, I would really like you to understand my value about life. What made me happy and what can hurt me. What I like and dislike. All of those aspects we need in spending live with our significant others. All that needed to make our relationship a better one than the previous one (that we left behind)
Till today, I still don’t understand why you hide all of your past from me. I’m sorry if I choose the word “hide” because that’s how I feel. It made you look like a very arrogant person. As if whatever happened to you means nothing. No memories no recollections never mind a lesson to learn from you. I believe in every little things happened along our life, there is a lesson to learn. No matter how small it is. Whereas for you, it seems your past is nothing. You don’t think its important and you don’t think it is actually what makes you who you are today. Your past is part of who you are. You can choose to be the same or learn something from it an change for the better.
I also learn, by myself and by coincidence, about your other past serious relationship. I will not mention how many girls you have on your list as a possible female encounter, because that will only make my long letter gets longer. Just a few names that you probably care or don’t care anymore. A few hearts that is broken by you and now seeking revenge. Maybe they have no intention on doing so. Maybe it’s just how karma works. I believe in karma. Every actions will have it consequences. Do you? I believe we were born selfish. But within time we learn that to get something, first we have to give. Same things goes with love. Love is not there until we give it, than we can feel it when someone return our gift of love.
Maybe I love you soo much I even think about those girls you once love (I hope) and the more I know you, the more I feel for them. It may sounds weird but it is what it is. I always have a big compassion towards others. Especially those who experience the same things as I am. I can really feel for them and strange enough, slowly it grows to the directions I could never imagine. The more I understand what you did to them and how they feel, the more I dislike you. And soon you had became a stranger to me. I don’t know who you are anymore. And I really think you didn’t try to show who you really are to me to start with. You show a different you which is not you. And that’s why you hide all your past. You never tell me anything because you don’t want me to know who you really are. You want me to picture you as a perfect figure, as what you want people to picture you. And that’s why you kept running away from broken relationships and problems. Because once someone know who you really are, you feel threatened. Maybe embarrassed. And instead of changing your behavior, you choose to run away. Find someone new, where you can show off again. Someone that will buy what your selling. Someone who will see you the way you want them to see you. And when that someone soon realized that what you said about yourself is not true, you will leave them and find someone new. Again and again and again.
Did you ever think about those you had hurt in your past? Those you left behind just like that with no explanations? Those who were upset with you (cheating on them while you are in relationship with them) and still waiting for an apology from you but end up being dumped by you?
From the day one of your ex sent me the very indecent pictures of you (naked) and a close up of your erected penis, I was in a shock. I never thought that you had a very wild life ever! I am not a child. I’m an adult and being me I have to say I am very open minded. I accept reality. But you let things happen in your life just like that. Without even thinking, I supposed. What will happen if one day, lets say, you became a famous person. And out there somewhere there is someone who have grudge on you and hold something that can ruin your reputation? Or what if one day, you simply became a father of a few children. What would your children think when they saw those pictures? What would they think of their father? And most important, what kind of moral value you want your children to learn by seeing what you did?
Children learn from our actions. Examples. Not our words. Or maybe you never even think about having and raising a kid? You never think about having a family and growing old with your own family. Perhaps you never even think about your future. You just live day by day. Do whatever pleases you that day and don’t care about the consequences tomorrow. You probably think that all the hatred these girls have towards you will not harm you at all. As you don’t care and can easily getaway from them. You only think for yourself and not others. You think you will only have to deal with yourself. You never think about having others you love for the rest of your life. Your life is a total adventure. I have to say, with no purpose never mind targets. At least the first 39 years of your life gone just like that.
No pain no gain. You refuse to feel the pain and therefore you gain nothing. That may explain why you are still single, never been married at the age of 40. Whereas I already had 2 marriages and 2 grown up kids at the age of 40. I had feel and face the pain. And by feeling the pain, I gain a knowledge of what happiness is. How can you know happiness if you never know what pain is? What you think as happiness is actually just a primary pleasure. You had mistaken pleasure with happiness. And that’s why you never feel enough. You keep on searching for something you don’t know. Deep down inside you knew that you are missing something but you don’t know what it is because you never allowed yourself to feel the pain. Once you feel uncomfortable you just run away. Find another pleasure dome just to realized that it is still not what your looking for.
I thought, no matter how bad and wild and selfish your past is, deep down inside you are still a decent human being. I thought your decision to marry me is your turning point. Change of direction in life. I thought you found your purpose in life in me. But again, I was wrong.
I really want to believe that each time you started a serious relationship or exclusive dating, you choose someone you love. Someone who is somewhat special (amongst all other girls you have in your chat list) otherwise you would not commit yourself to just one. I really want to believe that you believe in love. That you did not take relationship for granted. Just because they like you and love you and devoted to you, you say yes to whatever will please them. I hope you did not use relationship as ego booster. Just to show everybody that you too can have a date. Someone you can call a girlfriend and will call you her boyfriend.
I really want to believe that when you choose me to be your girlfriend (and dump the rest of others) is because you see something in me. Something that are different than other you had known before. Something in me that will stop you from keep looking. That can satisfy your ego and put a stop on your adventure in finding the one. I really want to believe that you choose me because you think I am the one you were looking for, because that’s why I choose you. Altough now I realize I was wrong, but at least that’s why I choose you. Because I feel you are the one and you are different.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. You are not the one. You just portray yourself as the one for me. In other word, you cheated on me from the very start, by not telling me the truth about your past. You did not give be a fair opportunity to judge you and learn about you before I made decision to choose you. You use my openness to learn about me, and then give me what you think I need. But what you give it’s not your true self. And that is our core problem. That is why all problems start. Dishonest and lies.
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